Holidays, special occasions, and long breaks from school can bring up complex feelings for young people—especially those who have grown up with the stress and stigma of a parent’s substance use. These times, often promoted as times of connection and celebration, can trigger anticipatory grief for both the young person and the adults in their
lives.
What is Anticipatory Grief?
Anticipatory grief is the sadness and mourning that arises before an expected loss, not necessarily tied to death. For young people growing up with a parent who struggles with substance use, this grief can stem from the emotions tied to missing out on experiences, relationships, and moments of rest and joy. It’s the grief of worrying about what may come based on past experiences or what’s already been lost, even if the situation looks different on the outside from past experiences.
This grief doesn’t only affect children and teens; it also affects adults-both adult children AND parents, impacting their children further. Parents with mental health and substance use challenges may experience anticipatory grief around their past childhoods and present struggles with substance use, fearing the potential consequences on their family and future. That's why caregivers, family members, foster parents, educators and other natural supports in young people’s lives need to be mindful to avoid stigmatizing language that shame or blames parents, as this can add stress to parents, and their children who are listening and learning about who is safe enough for them to share their anger and sadness, as well as their worriess or love for a parent (as all the feelings and experiences may show up).
How Does Anticipatory Grief Show Up in Young People?
Anticipatory grief can manifest in several ways, often in subtle or unexpected ways. Understanding these signs can help family members, educators, and caregivers offer the right support:
Behavioral Changes: Young people may act out, withdraw, or display uncharacteristic behaviors as they grapple with uncertainty and feelings of loss.
Emotional Shifts: Feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, or anxiety can intensify as they anticipate loss, even if the loss is not certain or tangible.
Distancing from Relationships: They may pull away from friends, family, or trusted adults, either to avoid vulnerability or because they feel others won’t understand their experiences.
Increased Need for Attachment: The need for attachment always exists, even if past harm has occurred. Some may become clingy or overly reliant on people they love and worry about or trusted adults, seeking reassurance and stability in the face of unpredictability.
Hypervigilance: Young people might constantly anticipate crises, keeping them on edge as they try to prepare for or prevent potential losses.
Supporting Young People Through Anticipatory Grief
It’s important to remember that anticipatory grief is not just about sadness—it’s about the complex emotions that young people may not fully understand or be able to express. It's also not only about young people under 18, as many of the experiences can continue well into adulthood, where the inner child in many peers can be triggered.
Here are a few ways adults can support young people through this process:
Acknowledge Their Feelings: Create a safe space where young people feel heard. Validate their grief and emotions, even if those feelings seem difficult or confusing. Let them know it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or anxious without needing them to know what's bothering them, or without the pressure to “fix” the situation
Encourage Open Communication: Help young people express their worries and fears. Encourage them to talk about their feelings and provide gentle reassurance that their emotions are normal and valid.
Offer Emotional and Physical Safety: Create an environment where they feel secure to express ALL emotions. This might include physical safety, like a consistent routine, or emotional safety, where they know they won’t be judged for expressing their anger towards past experiences, jealousy of friends or other family, or sadness about what might happen.
Be Mindful of Stigma: Both young people and their parents may carry the weight of shame and stigma. It’s crucial to avoid language that can increase shame in young people who love and worry about a parent or which reinforces negative stereotypes as this can increase feelings of isolation and fear of reaching out.
Model Healthy Coping: Demonstrate healthy ways to cope with grief, stress, and uncertainty. Whether it’s through mindfulness, art, journaling, or spending time outdoors, offer opportunities for young people to find their own healthy outlets for emotional expression.
Anticipatory grief is a complex experience, and the support we offer isn't as easy as packaging it up in a blog, or box, with a bow. But by creating safety through non-stigmatizing language and support, we can ensure that children and their parents can reach out for help and find support without fear or shame.
References:
Berger, R. (2020). Grief and trauma: The impact on children and adolescents. The Journal of Child and Adolescent Grief, 15(3), 211-220.
Canadian Paediatric Society. (n.d.). Position statements and practice points: Relational Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES). Retrieved December 16, 2024, from https://cps.ca
Denny, E., & Lee, R. (2023). Addressing grief and substance use in individuals undergoing addiction recovery. The Journal of Addiction and Recovery, 15(2), 107-115.
Eluna. (2024). Grief by age: Developmental stages and ways to help. Retrieved from https://www.elunanetwork.org
McConnell, B., & Rahman, M. (2022). Supporting grieving families during the opioid crisis: A Canadian perspective. Journal of Substance Use and Misuse, 57(2), 205–215.
Starlings Community. (2022). Forward: A report on the impact of stigma and support for youth affected by parental substance use. Starlings Community.
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